Every Candle's End
by CliffieMaster
Summary: Days blend together, weeks meld into one continuous cycle, and still the pain does not ease. She pauses and wonders how she's still breathing. ::TidusYuna, Yuna-centric:: Oneshot


Cliffie: A short Yuna-centric piece that's been boppin' about my head for a few days now. Takes place after FFX before X-2. And yes, this CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE END OF FFX, although nothing is explicitly stated, I suppose. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of the characters. This is for entertainment purposes only.

* * *

Every day is the same. 

Get up, take a shower. The water runs down her body, hot and furious and too much to stand for long. She steps out, dries herself off with a towel that isn't as soft as she pretends it. She brushes her hair and leaves it to hang wet around her shoulders, occasionally dripping down her back. When she starts to grow her hair out long, she braids it immediately.

She dresses swiftly, never thinking about what to wear or how she looks. She doesn't care anymore, not really. Her boots are the last things to be put on, and they always feel strange when she first shoves her feet into them. The leather is initially tight and cold against her skin, and she fiddles with the ties for a good minute before leaving them exactly how they were before.

She always has a single apple for breakfast. Nothing more and nothing less. For a while she didn't eat breakfast at all; it was too much of a hassle. But Rikku's pestering eventually wore her down, and she began to keep a bowl of shiny red apples on the table.

The day is spent either helping out around Besaid, spending time with Lulu and Wakka, or wandering the area around her small town. She usually opts for the latter, hating herself for being unable to help more. She tends to distance herself from people now; she doesn't want them to see her sadness, perhaps. Or maybe she just can't stand their cheerfulness. Either way, she is happiest when walking by herself in the wilderness, occasionally taking down fiends when they appear.

Days blend together, weeks meld into one continuous cycle, and still the pain does not ease. She often finds herself simply staring out into space, mouth pressed into a thin line and hands clenched together so tightly her nails have bitten into the skin on her palms. She jerks when she realizes what she's done and wipes the blood off on her handkerchief.

For the first three months, the loneliness is so thick she can't stand it. The night seems to press into her, suffocating her and telling her just how alone she is. She creeps into Lulu's bed, sometimes crying and always trembling. The woman gently strokes her hair, kisses her forehead, and holds her tightly until she falls asleep. Wakka puts up with it good naturedly and sleeps on the couch.

When morning comes, she leaves Lulu's house and gets in the shower.

After six months, Rikku sits down next to her, holding her by the shoulders, and asks how she's doing. She could only stare at her cousin for a full minute before shaking her head. She doesn't know how she's doing, really. Except… she's not right. That much she knows. She's missing her other half, and she can't be right – will never be right – until she gets it back. Only she won't ever, because he was _gone_, leaving a hole in her chest that aches whenever she takes a breath.

She starts to change then. Or, rather, she starts to pretend to change. She tries to smile more; it hurts, at first, because she hadn't smiled in so long. But eventually those muscles become used to moving again. Laughing takes longer, but it's worth it to try when Lulu looks so pleased with her. The more she pretends, the more she believes she's handling things.

Then she comes across a little something: a seashell he gave her, or a blitzball. And she remembers that she's really not okay, just pretending to be, and she pauses and wonders how she's still breathing.

After a year, Rikku commends her on how well she's living. She smiles, feeling the skin stretch taut, and nods.

For the first year, she walks down to the beach every day in the late afternoon and whistles until the blue-black twilight touches the sky and her throat and lips are too sore to continue.

Slowly the harsh truth dawns on her: he isn't coming back.

He isn't coming back, and she stops going down to the beach because it hurts too much to look at the blue water and think of him.

She throws herself into work. It helps distract her, and she works every day until her muscles ache and her hands have hard calluses and scars and dirt. Lulu approves, and she finally marries Wakka. She is earnestly happy for the two, no matter how much it hurts to watch them be happy. She hates herself for being selfish and wanting a wedding she'll never have.

After a year and half, the elders of Besaid start talking about her marrying. They say she's of the right age, and the High Summoner should not remain unwed for long. She snaps at them for the first time in her life, yells actually, saying that she doesn't want to marry before storming off in tears.

She comes back the next day to apologize, and they smile uneasily and don't mention suitors for another week.

She works every day until her back hurts and she's become twice as strong as she used to be. She ignores those who say the High Summoner should not work. She pulls weeds and plants vegetables and goes on hunting parties with the men. She picks up guns and learns how to use them. She tries to sew and make clothes and pricks her fingers as much as the cloth, but her stitches are small and neat and tight.

It doesn't hurt as much to smile, but the hurt in her heart never leaves completely, and she knows for a fact that it never will.

After two years, she's grown up. She's not naïve anymore, and she's developed into a person who knows what she wants and will get it. She's tired of doing what every other single person wants her to do. She's been their puppet for far too long. So she works in the earth and helps things to grow, nurturing them with the love she has left, and she ignores the elders when they come to her about marriage plans. She tells them no, with a smile on her face and glint in her eyes. They leave, muttering about how tomorrow will be different.

It never is.

She kills fiends easily. The guns in her hands are smooth and cold and heavy. She watches the pyreflies rise with flat eyes, trying not to tremble at the sight of the brightly colored spirits that make her heart scream.

Every morning, she gets up and takes a shower. Every evening, she staggers back to her bed, tired from the day's work and from pretending to be normal. She stares at her hands, callused and scarred and crusted with dirt, and she wonders how she's still alive.

* * *

Cliffie: Depressing. But, seeing as I absolutely _hate_ the sudden turn of personalities concerning Yuna in FFX-2, I like to think she's in a lot more pain than she shows. She pretends to be strong when she's not; isn't that how Yuna always is? And no, this is not Yuna wallowing in her pain and being obsessive; this is Yuna after having given her love and soul to Tidus. This is not her pining – this is her trying to live and cope. 

I'm following what wiki told me about the extra scene on the international version of FFX – apparently Yuna stays in Besaid and tries to return to her normal life for those two years. And yes, the elders do try to get her to marry.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed reading this! Please review!


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